so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
