I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize