Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
