she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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