fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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