I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You need Xanax blowdarts
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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