I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
