Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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