i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
