EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
