I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
