i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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