why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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