This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
