Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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