I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I puked a lego.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
