My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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