Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
