they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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