I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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