i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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