I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
