i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think my vagina is haunted
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
