I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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