I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
