and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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