Where did you get a picture of my penis
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
