Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
