i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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