I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
