I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
