Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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