that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
