I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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