that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
