Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
