none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize