i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize