once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
