Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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