roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
