the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
people are starting to question the shark bite story
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
