You're my little dorito
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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