so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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