i think my mom watched the whole time
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
