I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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