Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
