just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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