I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
