Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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