he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
