One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
