i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
