You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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