Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
