Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
