I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Barsexuality is the new black.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
