so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
