Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
