I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
